The girls

It's not that I actually blame 2012. To be fair, the weirdness started before that., in November of 2011 when one of my closest girlfriends lost her best friend in a freak scenario. I have heard it said that having children is a lot like wearing your heart on the outside of your body. When this daughter/mother/wife/friend lost her life I became aware of how important my life was as well. I determined to take better care of myself because by doing so I would be taking better care of my kids as well, a concept that eluded me until life became fragile.

Around this same time a woman who I had gone to school with most of my life announced she had breast cancer. Then two moms from my niece & nephew's school also had breast cancer. So I decided I had better be more diligent on my self-exams. And that's when I found the little lump that would torture me for the next 8 or so months. I spent the first half of 2012 without any answers to what the lump may be. I had 3 specialists, 2 mammograms, 2 ultrasounds & an MRI all tell me exactly nothing. They all confirmed that the lump was indeed there & that it was "suspicious" but couldn't rule out it being cancerous. Finally someone told me that it was 95% likely that it wasn't cancer but if I felt uncomfortable they would remove it for me & biopsy. I took a different course of action. Tired of living all these months scared, worried, ignorant I talked to my ob/gyn & decided my best shot was to get a breast reduction. It would likely remove the spot, which it did, it would lessen my chances for breast cancer, it would get my breast tissue biopsied & it would make me feel better & stronger about myself. My breasts have always been a sore subject for me. I weighed 72# & had a c-cup in school. I was self-conscious to say the least. I hated them. They were big & gross & obnoxious & never really seemed to fit who I was or how I felt about myself. But then I worried that they were getting their revenge on me. That I would HAVE to have them completely removed & have no choice in the matter.

Every day I would look at my beautiful babies & pray that I was safe & healthy for them. I would see breast cancer fighters & pray that I would have their strength if I should need it. I worried what it would mean for my husband & his career, for my mom, my sister & especially her kids too.

A week before surgery I did my little video diaries to the kids. I started to type my letters out. I had been forming them in my head all those months that I had been feeling helpless. Because during that time all I knew was if there was something wrong I would have to put a system in place. I would have to organize support & resources for my husband & babies. It really made me acknowledge some people I had underestimated in my life & made me very aware of those who were too self-absorbed to be there for my little family if they should need them. So in some ways I did see the gift in this worrying & stress. I was appreciating my life. I was stopping to sit with my kids. I was calling my friends more. I was getting done what I felt important & not prioritizing the dumb stuff like dishes & vacuuming.

I reached out & most people reached back but a few showed that they weren't really dependable. I knew I had just the right circle in place. I told each girlfriend what I needed her to give my kids throughout their lives. One friend was in charge of the girl's heartbreaks because I knew she'd know what to do. One girl was there for sports for the boy. One of my "sisters" was there for style advice because she would be my style guru if I had any. I had an academic friend, a friend for driving, you name it. I tried to provide my husband with a go-to gal for every situation.

And it was weird to imagine my husband & my kids lives going on without me. It was sad & lonely all those months. I ate my fear & put on a smile & told everyone things would be ok but inside I was petrified & not at all convinced that anything was ever going to be ok again. And I have learned from this situation to ask when I need.

It broke my heart that on the day of my breast reduction surgery my husband sat in the waiting room for those hours all by himself. Especially considering the amount of hours we had spent in hospitals & ERs for others. But my sis & my girls all texted him asking for updates, asking if he needed them. My MIL had my kiddos for us which was more support than I could've asked for from her. But glaringly, noticeably absent was my own mother. And what that taught me was to never forget that even when my kids are grown & married & seem to have it all under control they may not necessarily need me but they will still want me. They might not be able to verbalize it but I will still be a source of comfort & unconditional love for them no matter how old they grow to be. I needed to know my mom would be there for me & it broke my heart into a million pieces that she wasn't. She said she had my sis's kids & then she didn't know where the surgery center was (despite giving her directions verbally & typed multiple times). But it does go to show that anyone can disappoint you & you just have to communicate & forgive. We've talked about this more than once & I have made it clear to her that I will always need her, now as a I am also a mother, more than ever. And it also taught me that I got fighting my battles all by myself from her because she has spent all these years battling depression without letting us in or allowing us to help her in any way.

So I learned to prioritize myself, that life, including my own, is precious. I learned to rely on those around you for support, to express what you need isn't weakness or overbearing, it's honest, it's truthful. We all need something from others at some point. The true weakness is thinking we can bear it all on our own.