In the past week I have gotten four separate and unrelated compliments regarding my marriage. I am not sure why now but I have to say that I agree with everything that was said.

We are fortunate to have had many circumstances work in our favor over the years allowing us to cultivate the family life we currently are enjoying. But none of this was by mistake or just happened to be. We spent eight years dating and used that time to truly 100% get to know one another as much as any one human can know another. There is good and bad to that though. The good is obvious, we know and understand one another unconditionally and are rarely surprised by the other's opinions, reactions, behaviors, preferences, etc. This can also be the bad but more so we have to be very conscientious to not assume we know the person so well that we no longer acknowledge growth or change in them.

Before he asked me to marry him, my husband and I asked each other about every ridiculous scenario that we ever thought of. From what we would do if we had 2-3 same gendered children (try again or leave it go?) to what we would do with ailing parents, sudden loss of each other, children with mental or physical challenges, religious differences, weight gain, health concerns, career opportunities, infidelities, financial concerns, the list goes on and on. We spent hours back and forth to his hometown in the car just picking each other's brains about our childhood, high school years, our future hopes and plans, etc. When we took our FOCCUS test for our wedding in the Catholic church the priest was shocked by the 4-5 differing answers we had. To him we had been the most in-sync couple he had met in years. Why the differences over these questions? We explained to him that we knew what the other would say so there were no surprises on the test but we still differed in opinions on those areas and had long ago agreed to disagree.

And there it is folks, our whole secret in a nutshell. Yes, there's passion, love, trust (we built them into our relationship in that order) but we have the utmost respect for each other. At the end of the day his happiness is generally as important to me as my own or more. We care about each other's feelings. We want to know about each other's day. We've kept open lines of communication. Sometimes we have to step out of the husband/wife roles and talk to each other as if we were advising a friend or back to being boyfriend/girlfriend.

But we truly care about each other as INDIVIDUALS. Probably why my husband had no real problem with me keeping my own last name despite the grief he's been served up from everyone including friends, family & co-workers. At the end of the day he married me because of my individuality and he doesn't want to see me lose that anymore than I do. I couldn't love him, respect him or want to be married to him more if I shared his last name. I share everything with him other than that - everything.

Because we are two separate people making this thing work it takes compromise. I truly believe that is the trickiest part of navigating a marriage for most people. Getting hung up on who is right or who is getting their way more often instead of seeing the bigger picture: what you are building together as man/wife/family/friends/two people in love.

There is a common mispreception that I dictate so much and that the hubbs is so passive. That's just the outward appearance of our personalities when in reality I tend to defer to him much more often than people would believe. I know that if he bothers to have an opinion on something it must be important. And I trust him beyond all reason or measure. Because of that trust I've been able to let myself go and give in to some of my biggest fears: skydiving, scuba diving, marriage, heights, the loss of my father. Having my hand in his allows me to know I will come out of any situation ok no matter.

We, too, are sometimes in awe of our relationship. Knowing how it began and the tiny % chance it had of surving a month let alone 16 years! We express our gratitude to each other DAILY for it, even when we are angry. We do forget and go to bed mad but we wake up in an embrace and talk it through. Shoes will still fly, hell, we aren't saints over here, but at the end of the day we have 100% confidence and security that this love is stable and unconditional and that allows us to flourish as individuals as well as a married couple.

I always say my kids and my marriage are my two proudest accomplishments in my life and I am overwhelmed at how blessed I am on both fronts.

Getting thrown in the deep end...

The swimming pool has been such a metaphor for my life. I was born in the summer and my mother liked to call me her water baby. At 3 months old she took me to the pool & as instructed, threw me in. So let me share with you that my mother was absolutely not a strong swimmer. She was terrified of the water in fact. However, she didn't want me to be so she trusted the teacher, trusted herself, trusted God & ultimately trusted her 3 month old daughter & tossed me in. I, of course, don't remember this. But I can tell you that I have never feared jumping into life. You can say that I was born this way or that the toss is what did it for me, it lifted fear & allowed me the ability to trust myself when I jumped into the deep end. We'll never know. My sister was far older when she began swim lessons. She never really cared for it although like everything else in her life she became quite proficient at it. And like jumping into the deep end, my sister takes a more cautious approach to everything else in life as well. Could the difference be she never had that big liberating plunge? We'll never know.

Fast forward thirty-some-odd years ahead to my daughter's 3rd month birthday. There I am at the local YMCA in my black one-piece "mom" Speedo tossing my daughter into the deep in. I swear she smiled and rolled onto her back and floated. Well, maybe not but she did take to the water like a fish. She also has a summer birthday, could that be the link instead? We'll never know.

What I do know is that 2 years later when my son was 3 months old I hesitated. I hesitated for so long that his toss into the deep end never really happened. He was different. Even as a baby I knew he was more tentative than my daughter. I felt like I was respecting his soul by giving him the time to become acquainted with the water. It would end up being 3 years later and not 3 months later that he was ready to be fearless when it came to jumping in. It took a long time & he had to be reassured but eventually he began to trust us, trust the pool and truly trust himself.

I know that this won't be the only issue in their lives where my daughter will be more than willing to jump into the deep end head first & bother to ask questions later, whereas my son will quietly contemplate what his next moves will be & the best way to make it over to the side after he makes his jump. While we will never know what has caused them each to think & act or react so differently the beauty is in watching them each dive in to their own lives to become their own people it's not in how they do it. Michael Phelps has nothin' on them.