Whether you stay at home, work part-time, or have a full-time career outside of the home, we all sometimes wonder, "What if..." or "Am I doing this thing as well as I can...".
I have been at home for 8 years. I don't take a lot of offense to the questions I am asked or the implications sometimes made by moms who have never stayed at home with their kids beyond maternity leave. Some of that could be because, as I've said a million times before, this wasn't the plan for me. It just sort of happened. And I was grateful it did. But I know I sometimes have questions as to how it works to juggle a career with a husband and kids and all the nitty-gritty details we moms tend to take charge of.
I don't find curiosity condescending or belittling. I think it's natural.
I didn't know any stay-at-home moms growing up. My own mom worked multiple jobs. She made 3 meals a day for 4 people. She grocery shopped. She did all of our laundry and ironing. She paid all of the bills. She pretty much did everything. And she managed to go on field trips with me. Take us to Six Flags over the summer. She never missed a doctor or dentist appointment, etc, etc, etc, etc.
I know that was hard on her. She didn't have an extensive support system, other than my dad, because she had a large family and she liked to help everyone else out instead.
My sister is a kick-ass surgical nurse and an even more unbelievable single mother. She is amazing at both. I am often in awe of her and feel like I have it easy getting to stay at home.
I didn't have any stay-at-home mom role models. I didn't know what it should entail and how it should be done. I often tried to over compensate and take on way too much to prove what I was doing had value.
Hence my revelation that Yahoo! Parenting or Huffington Post articles aside, I truly believe most of today's mommy wars are actually an internal struggle. Should I go back to work? Will my kids think I am lazy and not see the contributions I actually make if I don't have a paycheck coming in? Will I be a good enough role model for my daughter's career aspirations/college plans, etc? Should I stay at home? Will my kids think I don't spend enough time with them if I continue to move up the ladder? And so it goes on and on.
For me, I don't judge anyone else's decision on how to parent, earn money, spend money, educate their children, discipline their children, feed their children, dress them, etc... because I am too busy trying to figure out what is best for my own family. Most of the other moms I know are in the same boat. We are all just trying to be the best WE can be and that has very little to do with what anyone else is doing.
But I do think if you breastfeed or bottlefeed you wonder if you're doing what's best. If you are a helicopter parent or a free range parent you wonder which is best. If you choose public school or boarding school in Switzerland (ok, I am being funny) you wonder .. And I feel like wondering is the most natural thing in the world. It isn't judgement. It might be a little based in fear or self-doubt and insecurity but I truly do believe that is more a reflection on how we judge ourselves than what we are thinking of others.
Ideas, ideologies & idiosyncratic behavior from this side of motherhood.
