Rory Rocks!

In the past week I have gotten four separate and unrelated compliments regarding my marriage. I am not sure why now but I have to say that I agree with everything that was said.

We are fortunate to have had many circumstances work in our favor over the years allowing us to cultivate the family life we currently are enjoying. But none of this was by mistake or just happened to be. We spent eight years dating and used that time to truly 100% get to know one another as much as any one human can know another. There is good and bad to that though. The good is obvious, we know and understand one another unconditionally and are rarely surprised by the other's opinions, reactions, behaviors, preferences, etc. This can also be the bad but more so we have to be very conscientious to not assume we know the person so well that we no longer acknowledge growth or change in them.

Before he asked me to marry him, my husband and I asked each other about every ridiculous scenario that we ever thought of. From what we would do if we had 2-3 same gendered children (try again or leave it go?) to what we would do with ailing parents, sudden loss of each other, children with mental or physical challenges, religious differences, weight gain, health concerns, career opportunities, infidelities, financial concerns, the list goes on and on. We spent hours back and forth to his hometown in the car just picking each other's brains about our childhood, high school years, our future hopes and plans, etc. When we took our FOCCUS test for our wedding in the Catholic church the priest was shocked by the 4-5 differing answers we had. To him we had been the most in-sync couple he had met in years. Why the differences over these questions? We explained to him that we knew what the other would say so there were no surprises on the test but we still differed in opinions on those areas and had long ago agreed to disagree.

And there it is folks, our whole secret in a nutshell. Yes, there's passion, love, trust (we built them into our relationship in that order) but we have the utmost respect for each other. At the end of the day his happiness is generally as important to me as my own or more. We care about each other's feelings. We want to know about each other's day. We've kept open lines of communication. Sometimes we have to step out of the husband/wife roles and talk to each other as if we were advising a friend or back to being boyfriend/girlfriend.

But we truly care about each other as INDIVIDUALS. Probably why my husband had no real problem with me keeping my own last name despite the grief he's been served up from everyone including friends, family & co-workers. At the end of the day he married me because of my individuality and he doesn't want to see me lose that anymore than I do. I couldn't love him, respect him or want to be married to him more if I shared his last name. I share everything with him other than that - everything.

Because we are two separate people making this thing work it takes compromise. I truly believe that is the trickiest part of navigating a marriage for most people. Getting hung up on who is right or who is getting their way more often instead of seeing the bigger picture: what you are building together as man/wife/family/friends/two people in love.

There is a common mispreception that I dictate so much and that the hubbs is so passive. That's just the outward appearance of our personalities when in reality I tend to defer to him much more often than people would believe. I know that if he bothers to have an opinion on something it must be important. And I trust him beyond all reason or measure. Because of that trust I've been able to let myself go and give in to some of my biggest fears: skydiving, scuba diving, marriage, heights, the loss of my father. Having my hand in his allows me to know I will come out of any situation ok no matter.

We, too, are sometimes in awe of our relationship. Knowing how it began and the tiny % chance it had of surving a month let alone 16 years! We express our gratitude to each other DAILY for it, even when we are angry. We do forget and go to bed mad but we wake up in an embrace and talk it through. Shoes will still fly, hell, we aren't saints over here, but at the end of the day we have 100% confidence and security that this love is stable and unconditional and that allows us to flourish as individuals as well as a married couple.

I always say my kids and my marriage are my two proudest accomplishments in my life and I am overwhelmed at how blessed I am on both fronts.