Material Girl

I have one child that almost stresses out around Christmas or her birthday. I feel like it is my disapproval of materialism that has given her this anxiety. But if I really watch and scrutinize the situation she is a person who has never relied much on toys or outside influences when it came to imagination and play. Which is odd because our house is over-filled with stuff somehow that is supposed to fulfill just this purpose.

My youngest, however, likes to have stuff about him. He is extremely imaginative and I think he creates entire worlds and uses his toys to re-create his imaginary world. What may look like an angry birds play set to you has somehow, in his mind, been transformed in a galatic battle sub-station for his astro-engineers out on a space mission to save their flying headquarters before it is too late. He doesn't mind the junk or the disorganization.

My daughter doesn't like to think about getting rid of things when they out grow their purpose either. Every stuffed animal is special and because it was a gift from someone it has sentimental value. But she gets nervous at the build up in her room. This is a kid whose birthday was two weeks ago and she still hasn't opened several of her presents.

I have begun giving her the gift of experiences vs. stuff. A date with mom, concert tickets, an evening of baking. I have even gotten her a new desk to help her keep organized. She is also getting to the age where cute stuff like earring holders or shelves are starting to interest her. Or a great pair of pajamas. Or a unique hat and glove set.

What's my point? How do you discourage people from offering your children yet more stuff? My husband's family places a lot of importance on the Christmastime and birthday presents. I have mentioned many times the kids don't need anything else but I don't want to be ungrateful or disrespectful. When I've asked for donations in lieu of gifts I was met with, "Well, we donated but we're gonna do what we want as far as gifts are concerned."

I love the thought of a book, a toy, a piece of clothing, and maybe a sentimental item at Christmas. Growing up we got everything we wanted but our focus was on service and the religious celebration of the season so the toys were not even secondary for us. Not because we didn't enjoy that aspect or because my parents skimped (my mom had a Christmas saver fund she started saving money in January 1 of each year to provide what I would've considered lavish Christmases for us as kids. Until I met my husband), but because my parents focus was never on what they were giving us.

I have tried to pass that along and I think my daughter gets it. Well, she gets it and she doesn't really care about too many toys. She's never been into dolls but you could always get her to see your side over a cute handbag. She rarely plays with Barbies but show her a set of lip glosses and she has a sparkle in her eyes. So she is not without her material desires. But her desires are small, like mine. Realistic. I see her feel like she has to pick big stuff for her lists. Stuff that never makes it out of the box but she felt compelled to give her grandparents some great ideas of what to get her. Every year I give her a journal for almost any occasion. She has so many you'd think she'd be tired of them. Nope. This year for her birthday it was one of the gifts she liked the most. Simple. Inexpensive. Useful.

And what is wrong with that as a gift? Not elaborate. Not super consumerism oriented. Not flashy. Just something she loves and will use?

Again, I ask, how do we stop the outside force of consumerism in our children's lives all while keeping peace with non-blood relatives? Don't get me wrong, if my chilren stopped receiving toys today they still would have 3 rooms full of them plus electronics in the den. They are not at a loss here people! But I would like to maintain some realistic perspective and teach my kids what our family values are without being undermined. Is that truly so terrible? But I know I will not be heard and I find it easier not to raise a fuss and then that makes me feel like a failure as a mother.

When combining values from your family of origin with your immediate family's it can be difficult and confusing and take a really long time to set out. In the end, I remind myself there is no right answer and my children's values come from the example I set, the way I show them to live, and not from something under a shiny, red bow.